Monday, January 19, 2009

Anger and Forgiving

I know I have to forgive others if I want others to forgive me , then... only then...will I feel free... to feel the love that I have stored in my heart. The love that wants to be shown and shared with those of you that care for me and with those that I do care deeply about.

It doesn't come natural... this act of forgiving, it's difficult, sometimes seeming to be impossible, esp. in the face of the battle, but I know that each step can lead to a life of wholeness, and possibly happiness. I've always thought of myself as a forgiving sort of person and definitely the type that easily forgets any past discrepancies against me, but now in the face of my life as such, at times, I seem to be just angry!

I don't want to grow bitter and hard from any of the recent past hurtful experiences; small or large. To hold a grudge or to be resentful is ugly ..and it shows horribly on a person. You know what I mean? It makes you look..well.. scaly and crusty! Not me...I've never wanted to be that person. I thought I (maturely) let go of all those long- ago- crimes- against-me.. as I know I'm just as guilty as hurting others as much as I've been hurt. (possibly more!) but I'm still angry.

oh ..I know how some people think.. "They" don't want to forget; they feel deep down if they remember what was done to them it will ensure that those that hurt them will know how deeply they've been hurt! ..and in a way those that hurt them would be paying for what they did! I have never felt that way. (but still ...I'm feeling that angry pain!)

Yea, I'm aware of the normal responses to the stress of caring about and for someone with a severe and terminal illness day in and day out. But the hopelessness when dealing with it and the altering of your life's dreams is so enormous. The feeling of abandonment can be severe. When your loved one is in need of some enjoyment, some sort of happiness, and in desperate need of friendship in what might be the final times of his life, it seems so unfair? Who are these family and friends who claim their love and friendship but do things to the contrary? Where are you? I am angry. Is that where this anger is coming from? Am I being fair? and where is it going? I guess, I can misplace my anger. Am I angry at the world? at you? at God? at my husband? or just at myself ???

The anxiety level and the emotions are like riding on a roller coaster, up, up, up, ...down, down, down....downnn. While going're looking for that silver lining; hanging on to hope ...where you know you need to think positively.... that what is happening is meant to be.. God has a plan for us looking down , into a deep, black hole of frustration and despair at the possibility of losing someone you hold so dear...your holding your breath while the wind is sucked out of you. Watching through tearful eyes ...his searching of his life's worth... where taking the next step to his just plain painful. Yes, I'm angry.

Yet ..logically, this anger has to go somewhere.

And now..sometimes I think I want to remember my pain so I can put up a wall of protection around myself and those that I love that will insulate us from further pain. But no payment is ever made by by our constant remembering except the damage to own our minds and to own our hearts!....... as well as to the others we don't reconcile with.

But somehow come up with warm and friendly feelings towards someone who has hurt you, maybe terribly, maybe repeatedly..feels like something you don't want to do and can't if maybe you are allowing them to get away with it! Like the past injury has been erased and forgotten! But.. that is not what forgiveness is!! What someone has done wrongfully is not right and never will be, but the decision to forgive and move on is what I'm talking about. This is what is needed to get rid of the anger. Forgiving turns out to be more about me than about the one who has hurt me or maybe will continue to hurt me. That is hard because I don't want that person to hurt me again! Who started it?...doesn't matter.. it's..who can end IT! I don't have any superhuman amount of will, but I do have God's help. I'll begin by deciding to forgive and ask for His guidance and strength. My hurt has taken over some of my life and has turned to anger. I know that it probably isn't as much about the original injury I thought was done to me as much as how much it will alter my life if I let it eat at me. I've learned something about myself here and I have the choice to try or not try at all.
I have to elect to move on!

I think by making this decision to forgive and to forget has already began to happen. I have to wipe the slate clean ...from the beginning! I love and forgive you. It doesn't matter if you want to forgive me, but I pray that you would.

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