Sunday, March 8, 2009

HELP! Wait!!! Whose being held hostage here! Grandma or these innocent looking little people born with the same blood line as me?

Well, when a friend of Keely's emailed me as to see how I fairing with watching what everyone KNOWS are the greatest and easiest grand kids West of the Equator and South of the Mississippi...... the notion came to me... now is my chance to show the world how I really handle these innocent...non annoying...never bothersome.. little 'mini-me's ! the what lengths does a mother have to go to get a vacation from her kids ? A hysterectomy? a mental breakdown? a brain lobotomy? Really, darling daughter...all you had to do was ask..and you know..your loving and attentive mother (me) would have graciously, taken your sweet little darlings for a couple of days! (cough cough!)

Yea ..she claims all she had was Endometriosis and needed this surgery! But really...nine months carrying around these cherished little aliens and I can relate to her poor worn out uterus.... Ohhhh...what a the trail of destruction they leave behind!!

Ok..ok... my daughter has been plagued with some very intolerable and painful menstrual periods, and uuhmmm...numerous agonizing bowel movements...not to mention all the chronic aches in her lower back and pelvis .....for years now.....but doesn't she know, I, TOO, already have a lion's share of a pain in my a$$ with her father? Need I say more?

And at what price...and what sacrifice was she willing to make to have her pricey little vacation one of the most pleasurable hotbeds in our city's most sought after luxury retreats? A place where relaxation is at its most restful..and the cuisine goes beyond a honorable mention! (On top of the menu she was served Jello Ala de le'Orange and Befa' con Brothe! The chefs at the Renown are known for their culinary delights!) The brightly dressed attendants will even roll you so you don't get bed sores!

I wonder if she'll ever reveal .....of what she did to coerce her co-heart Dr. into yanking her most under-appreciated female innards out! Yea.yea...I know.. she informed me, the Doc didn't really didn't lay a hand on her.. a robot did!. He did some New Revolutionary Procedure called the "De Vinci Laparoscopic Surgery" ... where the surgeon sits at a console in the operation room and controls 4 interactive arms that operate on the patient using a high performance vision system". It is a minimally invasive approach using a ROBOT for removal of the uterus. Also it promises post surgery to be less painful and the patient to have a shorter recovery time. But the fame of getting your name in the Guinness Book of World Record for having removed a 7lb. uterus through a 1/8 inch slot is fleeting..look at B. Spears and what fame did to her! Owweee!

I know...even tho she thought she was getting a holiday from the kids, the Little Girl really is suffering. And she remembers having a 10 lb baby being tough! Ha! Major surgery!... it's enough to make a grown man cry, let alone us of the 'weaker-sex'!.... (I don't say that lightly ...having enough scars to prove that I'm missing a more than a few body parts of my own ....and no ... I've had no surgery on my brain!).

But back to the 2 rug rats...up till now I think I've had their parents sufficiently fooled... they think I'm actually good to their precious offspring because I love them...Bwaaahahahah! I just pretend to look forward to their visits, fake like I enjoy their company cause they're so cute. Reality is....I've got them trained like I do with the horses..kinda like..... I'm a ...."Grandchildren Whisperer!" Yea! I do alot of whispering around here. (he he) they know they have to pretend like they're having a fun time with their grandmother, too or else they'll have to stay home with their parents! Ahh! Haa! it's soo easy! I, also bribe them with lots of goodies to eat and fun little things to do...if only they promise to lie and tell their parents they like it here and want to come back!

But sometimes their indiscriminate following me about, (it's hard to close the bathroom door with 3 ((Oscar included)) bodies bumping into you, I swear ...we belong in the circus!)... or their constant nagging about how we need to be more creative in our play, (I'm sorry but I've been building blanket forts for 35 years now..I can't help it if I've lost my edge!) or their incessant whining to go to the animal shelter to pet some of the homeless cats and dogs! (That can be challenging we usually leave in tears... no.. not me. Kaitlyn, -knowing her brother is allergic and we can't bring home any of the forlorn cats- will usually bond with one such scraggly ole feline that's been there for some 3 years and can't possibly bear to leave it behind!........and when my back is turned......Wyatt's will have his face near the cage of some abandoned fierce barking Pit Bull, (freak-out!) only to have it licking from his hand!) ...can be the total martyization of NaNa! Even little Oscar will go into hibernation after a day with the master trainer Kaitlyn teaching him some of her newest tricks.
Now.. my daughter wants a holiday from the pain? And what is her drug of choice? What? And what is that I hear?....she can't do painkillers! well..I guess.. I'll keep keep the ruffians a little bit longer .....but then....I'm getting my answering machine fixed so I can start screening my calls...cause they know my phone number. And that will have to do 'till they learn to drive...............
......................... they know where I live.

1 comment:

Dreamer said...

You have some very cute grandchildren there, sister. enjoy them now, they grow so fast. Tell them their great Aunt loves them. Tell Keely to get better fast and I love her too!