Monday, July 13, 2009

The Muffin Buster

the MUFFIN BUSTER!

I am so jealous. My blogger- friend, Joy Heather, from across the pond, just bought herself this magnificent Muffin Buster! Doesn't it look fabulous? (No.. I didn't get a new job selling the muffin buster.. and that's not it's real name) but maybe she will let us know how well it works on her, or how well she works on it .. Joy, I am rooting for you. and proud that you are giving it a try ...you are such a sweetie. Here's a shout out for her. Woot! Woot! You Go! GIRL! You can do it!


She is so gonna have the ABs of steel that I have given up on long ago. My dream of a six pack has turned into twisting open 6 Bud Lites! Still since I am not working at a real job I should go to work on this piece of equipment cuz even after having my left- over baby-fat cut off a couple of years ago.. I now started baking a muffin top..cuz.... I really like to eat food...sometimes I even like to cook it first and now my muffin-dough won't stop rising!
Abdominoplasty removes all that fat and skin you have left over after losing all your "fully paid for and hard- earned poundage"..(you know, that floppy, hanging stuff that's left after you lose your mommy butt!)

If you knew that you would be left with all this empty and lonely skin after gaining a few (cough! cough!) pounds..how many of us would still be gulping down that Ben and Jerrys Chocolate Double Fudge Brownie double dipped with Chocolate Chunky Monkey? (watch out.. that is a trick question!) My stomach looked like one of those glad trash bags that was once streetched to the max full of cans, only when emptied looked like it deserved to be cramed into some overly tight pair of jeans and forgotten. Only my new companion became very needy and demanded to be pampered and powdered and carried around on my lap like some kinda of a newborn baby! Geesh.. I soothed it and talked to it more than I did my kids! "Are you ok with going under the panties today?" .. "I thought you were happiest when I wore a girdle?" ..."I can't help it these panties roll down!" (I had one lady ask me when my baby was due!) Arrg!
I worked hard to lose the 40/50 or something 'er ruther pounds.. I exercised up a sweat..every day..followed my diet plan and I thought.. I deserved whatever would make me feel good about myself........
So I decided I was going under the the KNIFE!
Now ..this part..isn't easy for me to talk about. Cuz ...I came outta surgery with TWO little BALLS!! Yep.. the doc gave me testicles..these balls were hanging about 6 inches and they were a-swinging! They were attached somewhere to my innards and when slightly touched..I would suffer and snarl like a Mad Dog in the heat of July! Of course..being the tuff woman my mother forced..I mean ..raised me to be ...I tried to hold my head up high..but I couldn't..cuz you can't straighten up for about 2 years! (slight exaggeration, folks) But..I just kept my eye on the prize! (literally) I was happy..there would be NO more powdering and tucking of my little friend "flappy" into my pants!
And after all was said and done...it wasn't all bad.. It gave my little dog something to chase after... as my new balls dangled when I walked, something for him to play tug of war with when I went to the bathroom and chew on when I slept. And then it gave me a slight bit of understanding of the opposite sex as I was struggling to tuck those suckers into my pants..I needed duck tape! There was no " free balling" for me! And I cried like a girl .. when my gonads got anywhere near being touched! ...I'll take two boobs any day.

(HELPFUL HINT: If you plan to have this surgery, DO NOT buy a new puppy at the same time)

That's about all I really remember of the experience because mostly..I was a drug addict at the time. Lots of drugs..all the time! My life became a mess. I stole money from my kids ..My husband left me..My mother hated me.. and I cut off all my hair! Eventually the dog didn't even want anything do do with me! No?..seriously..are you serious? just kidding.. It was painful..but so was childbirth and look what I got outta that experience! Living with two balls wasn't the worst part! Getting these dranage tubes with the little balls on the ends out was worse..but I won't horrify ya with those gory details!



So, lately my favorite cousin, Conni, inspired me to get back to doing some physical exercising. I am fast running/sorta/fast-walking/sorta /just really walking- thing-ing for a couple of miles here and there AND planning to do some kind of real marathon with my sisters and my daughter. Hey, you girls... remember ..we made a soleum oath! I don't care if we were all drunk on margaritas..it still counts! I like to set goals for myself that are within my reach...that way I can reach them! Smart..huh?

I am back on the same diet plan of sorts like when I lost the original poundage. Hey..it worked then ..and call me a fool ..but I'll try anything twice! (and sometimes three times) I never rush anything and I don't expect miracles, but I am thankful for them.. Thank you Lord for all you have given to me.


I do know staying healthy is a lifestyle that we have to acclimate ourselves to. It's not fun at first is it? (it's hard but you noticed I did say Bud LITE, didn't you?) I know exercise not only builds muscle and helps you to take the fat off but it helps prevent depresssion. I get off the beaten trail often but soon get tired of feeling yucky and push myself to get back on track because those endorphins from all that exercise gives my mind such a good feeling that beer and food can't even match!....YaY!....even when things around here aren't so happy.

So good luck Joy..I'm right there with you. And you too Sister Sue. Here's to bustin' some muffins!

6 comments:

Dee said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Faithful said...

You are the reason I do not talk to my sister. The day you stop interfering, coniving and making evil stories up about people is the day your mom will have a chance at happiness. You have hurt every member in this family and after the dispictable things you wrote to your grandmother last week..you have proven that you have the heart of the devil. Iam done being hurt by you and I will not play your little girl games..so grow up.. you are now hurting your mom and son the worst by your wicked ways. Stay off this blog.. you are not welcome here just like you are not welcome in this family.

Faithful said...

You are the reason I do not talk to my sister. The day you stop interfering, coniving and making evil stories up about people is the day your mom will have a chance at happiness. You have hurt every member in this family and after the dispictable things you wrote to your grandmother last week..you have proven that you have the heart of the devil. Iam done being hurt by you and I will not play your little girl games..so grow up.. you are now hurting your mom and son the worst by your wicked ways. Stay off this blog.. you are not welcome here just like you are not welcome in this family.

Dee said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Dee said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Faithful said...

My point exactly! except it's not a game! You are not going to goad me into your childish pranter again so you can do you evil stuff. Look into yourself for the answers. Leave me and my family alone and I will do the same.